Newsletter #4 - The Practice of Understanding

✨ Small Essay:

There’s a particular kind of ache that surfaces when you speak your truth — carefully, vulnerably — and someone just… doesn’t get it.

Maybe they twist your words.
Maybe they minimize your experience.
Maybe they nod, but you can feel them checking out.
Or worse, they turn your expression into something about them.

It’s one of the loneliest moments: trying to connect, only to feel even more separate.

But here’s something to hold onto — being misunderstood doesn’t mean you were wrong.
Your clarity, your care, your intention still exist, even if someone else couldn’t meet you there.

Understanding isn’t always immediate.
Sometimes it takes repetition. Sometimes it never comes.

And while that can sting, your worth is not measured by someone else’s comprehension.

Let yourself grieve the gap.
Then let yourself return to your own voice, your own knowing, your own warmth.

🗣️ Self-Talk Script:

Use these self talk scripts after a misunderstanding:

I’m feeling the anger and frustration of not being understood.
That makes sense — I wanted to be validated and understood.

It’s okay not to be understood; if it's important I will find another way to express myself.

They don't need to understand me right now.

I am still a good person even if I'm misunderstood

🎧 Private Podcast : What it is to be understood?

📘 Mini Guide:

Misunderstandings can leave behind emotional residue: frustration, shame, loneliness, even resentment.

This guide helps you sort through your next move — with clarity, calm, and self-respect. For a quick printable guide for after a misunderstanding click here.

🧭 Step 1: Figure Out What You Need to Feel Better

Acknowledgement of your opinions and beliefs
A commitment from the other person or group to change
An allowing of the other person to have their own opinions and you have yours (without blame or resentment)

Ask yourself:

“Do I want to be understood by them — or do I want to be at peace with myself?”
“Am I seeking clarity or validation?”
“Is this person capable (or willing) to meet me differently?”
"Do I need acknowledgement or do I need understanding? Why?

This is about choosing wisely where to go next so that the interaction feels resolved within you.

💬 Step 2: Choose Your Path

➤ If you want to revisit the conversation:

Try one of these openers:

“I’ve been thinking about our conversation the other day and I realized I was really wanting you to understand where I'm coming from. And I know that's hard. So I'm wondering if instead you could just acknowledge that I'm going through a hard time right now - or that I have a lot of emotions right now around this - or (insert what's going on for you here).
“I’ve been thinking about our conversation the other day and I didn't express myself as clearly as I wanted. What I wanted to say was ...”
I've been thinking about the conversation we had and when you x I felt y. I know that wasn't your intention. The next time would you be able to z?

Then use your SOFTEN skills (Sensation, Own Your Own Suffering, Focus on the Present, Take a Breath, Eyes Toward Another, Need to Say)to stay connected during the discomfort of the moment.

➤ If you want to let it go:

A lot of times after a conversation when we process it we see that we don't actually need to revisit it. That there isn't anything that we truly need from the other person, but that it's something we can resolve for ourselves within ourselves. We can validate and acknowledge ourselves instead of needing it from someone else.

If the other person wants to discuss it again and you don't, you can let them share and then say:

“I can tell you feel x about this or that you really want me to feel y about this. I know that if we keep on in this way it's not going to be helpful for either of us. So I think it's best if we can agree that the sky is blue and move on from this.”
“I hear what you're saying and for now, I think we should put a pause on this conversation. We can come back to it in a month or two if we need to.”

Letting go doesn’t mean giving in. It means protecting your peace and keeping the integrity of the conversation in tact.

🤲 Step 3: Self-Soothe + Reset

Try one or more of these:

Finger taps (thumb to pointer finger, thumb to middle finger, thumb to ring finger, thumb to pinky finger) Say: “Thank you. I love you. I forgive you. I'm sorry.” Untile the emotional charge is gone.
Shake it off. Literally. Stand and start to shake one leg and then the other. Then start shaking the arms and the hands. Shake the energy out of the body.
Journal it out. Prompt:

“Why am I so angry that they don't understand?"

"What did I want them to understand?”

“What do I need that they couldn’t give me?”

"Is there something besides understanding I can ask for that would help me feel better?"

🧭 Clarity vs. Closure

Sometimes you won’t get closure from another person. But you can give yourself clarity:

“I tried. I was honest. I stayed kind and said what I needed to say.
That’s enough.”

📓 Journal Prompts

When have I felt misunderstood in the past? What helped me move forward?
What does being understood actually look like? What does somebody need to do so I feel understood or acknowledged? (Really get specific here; nod their head, say, "that must be really xxx". The more specific you are, the easier it is to then ask someone for these things.)
How do I want to show up when I feel unseen next time? What practices can I do to help me?

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