Newsletter #3 - What to Say When You Don’t Know What to Say

Welcome to a new month!

As we continue growing our communication practice and building this community together, we’re still experimenting with different ways of connecting here. Thank you for being so patient as we iron out a few tech wrinkles along the way.

For now, when you post a comment, you might see an error page — but don’t worry, your comment is being posted. I’ll be responding to some in writing, and others I’ll answer in audio form in the next newsletter under Reader Q&A.

With that, let’s dive into this month’s practice.

🧠 SMALL ESSAY: The Power of Not Knowing

There’s a moment — maybe you’ve felt it — when words freeze.

You’re in the middle of a hard conversation, someone says something unexpected, or emotion rises in your throat. And all you can think is, “I don’t know what to say.”

This moment often brings shame or panic. We feel unprepared, exposed. But what if “I don’t know what to say” isn’t a failure — it’s a signal? A nudge to pause, ground, and reconnect with yourself so that you do know what to say?

When we reach for filler words, rushed answers, or rehearsed apologies, we bypass something powerful: the invitation to speak from authenticity rather than urgency — the opportunity to actually know.

Intentional communication begins here — in the not knowing.

It doesn’t demand perfection. It asks us to notice the not knowing.
And then remind ourselves we do know the answer, and then choose how to express it.

✨ Reflective Prompt: Think of the last time you froze and didn’t know what to say. What did that moment feel like in your body? If you had paused instead of filling the silence, what might have shifted? If you have declared what was happening for you in the moment, how would that have helped you find the words?

🗣️ SELF-TALK SCRIPT: From Panic to Presence

When you feel stuck and unsure of what to say, try this silent reframe:

🧠 “It’s okay not to have the right words. I can stay here until I feel calm enough to talk.”
🧠 “This quiet is space for me to slow down, go inward, and be present.”
🧠 “What matters more than saying something — is responding in a way I respect.”
🧠 “I give myself time to know how I want to respond.”
🧠 “I do know what to say.”

Then try a soft phrase aloud, if it fits:

— “I want to respond honestly, but I need a second to gather my thoughts.”
— “I’m feeling a lot right now, and I want to be thoughtful in how I answer.”
— “I need to pause for a breath before continuing.”

💬 What are some phrases you could use in these moments to help you remember you do know the answer — you do know how to respond?

🧘 MINI GUIDE: 3 Steps When You’re Wordless in the Moment

1. Feel the sensation
   Notice the tightness, pressure, or fog. Just name it internally. (“This is tension. This is fear. This is anxiety.”)

2. Take one intentional breath
   Inhale (count to 5), Hold (count to 5), exhale slowly (count to 5). Let the nervous system re-center.

3. Declare what's happening
   You don’t need the perfect answer — one honest, grounded sentence is enough. Declare what you're working through aloud to help you find the right words.
   (“I care about this. I just need a moment to respond well.”)

📥 Practice this a few times outside of conversation to yourself. The more you rehearse slowing down, the easier it becomes when it matters.

🔑 Pocket reminder: Declare you're confusion in the moment - what's going on in the moment.

💬 Reader Q&A — Send Me Your Questions
Next month, I’ll be answering a reader’s question on navigating silence in conversation. Want to be featured too? Leave your question in the comments (even if you see an error page, it’s posting!).

Not sure what to ask? Here are a few ideas to spark inspiration:

• “What do I do when someone shuts down mid-conversation?”

• “How can I stay calm when a pause feels uncomfortable?”

• “What’s the best way to handle it when I don’t know what to say in the moment?”

• “How do I tell someone I need more time to respond without sounding dismissive?”

Your question could be the one I answer next.

💬 WANT TO GO DEEPER?
Support your nervous system with guided audio practices:

• 🌊 Water Breathing - a calming rhythm to quiet racing thoughts

• 🌬️ Long, Slow, Deep Breathing — a grounding practice to settle your body and focus your mind

Take a few minutes with one of these before or after a tough conversation — notice how it shifts your presence.

🌿 Remember, not knowing isn’t weakness — it’s the doorway to speaking with more clarity and care.