Monday: Reflecation

When I was growing up, I was always involved in some kind of drama.

Especially in my teenage years, there was always something happening within a friend group, with a boyfriend, between people I knew. Even when I wasn't the one causing the drama, I was usually somewhere near it.

There was always something to talk about.

And looking back, I realize how much of my attention was focused on other people's lives—what they were doing, what they were feeling, what was happening in their relationships.

I never really wanted to be like other people. I wasn't someone who looked at what another person had and thought, I want that.

But I always knew there was a difference between me and other people.

And sometimes I wonder if I was actually more myself then than I am now.

I wonder if I trusted myself more.

When you're growing up, life gives you so many opportunities to practice trusting yourself.

Every day brings something new.

A new friendship.

A new experience.

A new heartbreak.

A new challenge.

A new decision.

You don't necessarily know what you're doing, so you try.

You make mistakes.

You figure things out.

You discover what you like and what you don't.

You learn that you can do hard things.

And slowly, you build confidence—not because someone told you that you could, but because you've experienced yourself doing it.

As I've gotten older, I've noticed that I've become much more comfortable.

And comfort isn't inherently bad.

But I've started wondering what happens when we become too comfortable.

When I stop trying new things, I have fewer opportunities to discover that I can handle something new.

And the less I stretch myself, the more fearful I can become.

The more comfortable I am, the less I have to bring into conversations.

I remember when my friends and I were younger, we could talk for hours about everything.

The world.

Relationships.

Dreams.

Sadness.

Heartbreak.

Human emotion.

We were vulnerable with one another.

We were constantly figuring ourselves out together.

Maybe some of that was because we hadn't yet learned how to protect ourselves from feeling uncomfortable.

We were just living.

We were feeling things and talking about them.

We were trying things.

We were becoming ourselves.

And then, recently, I was on vacation with my family.

I went kayaking.

I went rafting.

I rode a Ferris wheel with my daughter.

None of these things are particularly extraordinary.

But I noticed something extraordinary happening inside me.

I felt fear.

And then I did the thing anyway.

And afterward, I trusted myself a little more.

I trusted the people I was with a little more.

And, somehow, I trusted life a little more.

It reminded me that confidence doesn't always come before we do something.

Sometimes confidence comes because we did it.

We don't trust ourselves because we have eliminated fear.

We trust ourselves because we've experienced ourselves moving through fear.

And maybe that's something I want to bring back into my life.

Not drama.

Not chaos.

Not constantly pushing myself to do more.

But stretching.

Trying things.

Being curious.

Having conversations that go a little deeper.

Doing something that makes me nervous.

Letting myself be new at something again.

Because I want to remember what it feels like to discover myself.

To learn something about myself that I didn't know before.

To have an experience that reminds me:

Oh. I can do this.

So this week, I'm going to challenge myself to step outside of my comfort zone.

Not because I need to become someone different.

But because I want to trust the person I already am.

And maybe that's the practice:

We build trust in ourselves by giving ourselves opportunities to experience ourselves.

So where have you become a little too comfortable?

What is something you've been avoiding because you're afraid, uncertain, or simply out of practice?

And what would happen if, this week, you did one small thing anyway?

Not to prove anything.

Just to discover:

I can trust myself to meet what comes.